TRIGGER WARNING - ABUSE
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In 1990 it was decided that I should be placed in a special needs school. A boarding school in Scotland, located in the black isle called Raddery. I actually looked forward to it, thinking that I wouldn’t get picked on there. I believed that it was the place they said it was. However, I lost myself there completely, absolutely, and entirely.
To look back at the five years I was at this school is to fight back the tears, and the fear that’s constantly maimed my mind. This is where a lot of my PTSD episodes where born.
I can’t talk about this much, these particular memories are like landmines, waiting to destroy my thoughts again. To pull me back, once more surrounding my mind with memories of pure terror.
I remember being bullied a lot for being overweight, and for my squint. However that wasn’t where most of the fear came from. In my experience the people that you want to see how vulnerable you can be don’t. The ones that will see it will use you, take advantage of you, they see your vulnerabilities too clearly and can use it against you. I met several people like this throughout my life, that would manipulate me; use my inexperience of people, and lack of understanding about the world against me. The most dangerous being my abuser at school.
I lost myself there, aged ten. Constantly the target of a pupil that tormented me. Mentally, physically and sexually abusing me, for most of the time I was at the school. He made me think he was protecting me, that was the lie he kept reinforcing, but he was far worse than anyone he could have been protecting me from. Twisting my thoughts to the point where I was made to feel guilty for being abused. Like it was my fault ... In reflection, I was probably easier to control that way.
All our best and love
Ross Fraser and Jeni Dern
Words – Ross A Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva
