14th September 2020
Lost, locked in my head most of the time; consciousness only an occasional guide. I felt like a child living in an adult’s body, I felt like this since I was 10-12.
I had been to many psychologists before but this time I didn’t need to explain everything. I could just talk and be understood the way I meant it, first time, that made a difference.
First Open Conversation
I will always be thankful for my friend, with her I was allowed to talk openly. Reassured that unless stated that I said something to upset her, I hadn’t. Made it safe to open up about parts of my life that I hadn’t told anyone by that point.
To talk without all the choking fear and doubt that every other attempt at conversation had left me with.
By posting about my Au-thentic life I was bringing up memories like hornets from a shaken nest. I knew without turning that pain into something that helped someone these thoughts could take me down for the count. Just too much pain to process, so I focused on one memory at a time. Felt the full unmasked emotional hit, but I was processing memories hidden in the back rooms of my mind.
I resolutely refused to mask again, listened to my head, adjusted environment. I did what I needed to own my identity, own my words as intended, to be me.
I don’t feel like a child in my head any more, the process I have been through this last year changed that. In my head I grew up 30 years in a year. I think it’s because my mind got to process consciously and move past, even clear our thoughts and get answers that allowed my mind to push past hurdles that I had never been able to before. I got to know the real me and unearthed memories from my masked life. My journey unlocked not only my mind but freed my inner child and let him grow into the adult I had never met.
All my best and love
Words – Ross A Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva