Unfortunately, because open and honest was my default, I used to think everyone else was like that too. So, when someone told me I was ugly and stupid, I believed that. It took me a long time to realise very few people actually saw who I was. Masking didn’t help, your brain basically goes hold on, we don’t fit in, so you instinctively mirror other people around you. It’s like a kind of camouflage but it can have a very negative effect. People react to who they think you are, but you’re essentially hiding inside. They then say something based purely on perception. However you don’t know that and each negative word and interaction can become solid. What I mean is you feel the weight of that, you carry that with you. Unfortunately it can crush your self image to the point where you feel you have no value. I actually felt that all I did was hurt and offend people. That was never the intention, so every time I unintentionally upset someone I was upset too. Only difference was that I often didn’t know what had happened. I began to think my thoughts must be offensive, it was the only logical conclusion I could draw. I didn’t know that the issue was a shared language but different communication styles. These kinds of negative interactions happened all the time. So, it felt like I was protecting people by staying away from them. That somehow the world would be better off if I just kept myself out of it. I haven’t managed to pull myself out of that imposed self image yet but I am trying. The problem I have now is that I feel I’m learning everything at once. Because, although I’m 42, my actual interactions with people have been very rare. I feel like I hid in a bunker in 1990 and came out in 2020. That is really tough some days and will take time for me to adjust to. This is why I’m public, even though that is so hard because this shouldn’t happen. I don’t want any autistic child to follow my path. It wasn’t that I didn’t want people in my life, just that I’d been made to feel like I didn’t deserve it. Please feel free to share any of my posts and please like or follow to be notified of future posts.
All the best
Ross
Words – Ross A Fraser
Imagery – Ross A Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva
