I knew I loved my wife very shortly after we met, I actually proposed after 10 days but my mum said I was rushing into it. I get why now but she didn’t feel what I did. I waited like my mum said, ... and proposed 9 weeks later.
I had felt adrift, separated from people at an age where you are meant to be learning about people and the world you inhabit. I didn’t know how to express myself, scripting my only way of communicating. Unfortunately also one that could be dismissed too easily.
I wished that she could feel my heart, feel how full it felt around her. That somehow she would be the exception, she would be the one that stayed. I found little ways to express my feelings, I tried to show her that I adored her, because words failed me. They were my demise, I had to borrow other people’s words because I didn’t know how to shape my own. How to say what I felt, what I wanted, what I needed.
I didn’t get to ask for help but I bloody needed it. I needed to be freed of the prison that I’d be put in from buried trauma. Memories locked away because they were too intense to mentally process when they were created.
I don’t love my wife for what she does for me, for the positives in my life that I wouldn’t have without her. I deeply adore her for who she is, a wonderfully compassionate woman with a truly beautiful heart and soul. She made the world feel safe to be in, something I never thought possible. I went from being lost on the tundra, a bitter wind cutting to the bone while surrounded by an endless night. She was the sun, an almost blinding light, cutting through the darkness. Her love brought me warmth, helped me grow, and stands by me constantly, to push back the darkness. One that remains and that can wait in my memories, to engulf my mind once again.
What is love? I don’t know how to put that into words precisely. However I know that her love, unlocked the prison door, it freed me. Being loved by her, that was what I was waiting for. That is what I needed. She is the day to my night, the sun to my moon, but I didn’t experience love at first sight. My heart doesn’t see, but it felt her so strongly I felt honoured to have even just met her. My walls were towering around me, not just around my heart, and she tore them all down.
All our best and love
Ross Fraser and Jeni Curtis
Words – Ross Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva