I spent most of my life hiding from the darkness buried deep within my mind. Like many others I thought it was best to leave the past in the past and move on. For the most part that was easy to do while heavily masked.
Occasionally something would trigger a memory and an intense fear response. I would go internal and curl up in the fetal position. Afterwards I would pick myself up off the ground and once again move on instead of working through it. I now know how wrong I was to leave it all buried.
Don't get me wrong, I understand that you can't just snap your fingers and suddenly face the darkness. I needed to find the proper support before I was ready to shed the mask and face my past.
I know there is so much more to work through but I no longer fear the memories. They hold the key to why I gave up my freedom. To fully accept my needs I need to understand why I gave them up.
When I was five I endured something no one should ever have to experience. That was the day my mind snapped and I no longer felt like I deserved protection. From that moment on I was molded by those who invalidated me.
Eventually it all became too much and I began withdrawing from the world. It was my way of protecting what little of me I still had. From 2010 till 2022 I rarely interacted with anyone other than family.
Finding the autistic community was the first step to coming out of my shell. It fueled a need to break free from the mask and rediscover who I am. Slowly, I am sifting through the past in hopes to break the hold it has on me.
I hope that all those that are struggling right now find what they need to break free and live the full filing life they deserve. It is never to late to take control of your life. You are you and no one has the right to define you.
This is Me - Jeni Curtis
❤️ 🫂 ❤️
Be you
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