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Stuck

I yearn for me from the yesterday’s long departed. The one I could have been, if I’d been true to me, when I was younger. Before the words and experiences I had, that stole the years away. I would shelter from the rumours and distortion of personal identity. That’s where I find me when I look back, hidden away, but I wanted to retain the person I saw in me.

I loved art, school actually put me off it and my personal interests for years. I was really happy creating. I still am actually, but often it’s fuelled by pain, that wasn’t always the case. I learn best through personal experience but I lack them. To get access to society I had to pave my own way and it took decades. Find the strength out of sorrows.

I have been called naive, many times ... I guess I am. I do lack a lot of experiences that are considered commonplace for other people. I learned to communicate and express myself, but I lost a lot of days getting there.

I wanted to explore the world, fill my head with the beauty of the natural wonders. I wanted a life that I unfortunately I lost to pain. I found a different one, a life I’m grateful to have. I think it’s a miracle to be honest, that I found the right people in my life. That my wife and friends stood by my side through it all. I lost the potential of who I could have become. That’s the sad truth, but, part of me hopes that I still have time to find out, at least in part, who I would have been. That the tomorrow’s still to come have positives to offer. That getting access to the world and people, to the use of my own will and voice, didn’t come too late.

I’m sure this is a familiar feeling for late diagnosed adults. Has too much time passed, masked or hidden?

Can I still grow, and bloom, or did the seed in the soil sit, too long in the darkness.

All our best and love

Ross Fraser and Jeni Dern

Words – Ross A Fraser

Design App – Canva

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mylifeautistic
mylifeautistic
28 août 2023

I can’t help but wonder, I feel like I spent 3 decades trying to get back to who I could have been. The promise of me, that I saw as a child, and I feel stuck.

J'aime
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