Solitary Confinement
TRIGGER WARNING – ABUSE
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I’ve wondered if the attempts on my life were a way to stop me from reporting the abuse. Maybe, it was just punishment for telling staff, even though it was dismissed. I know I was bullied, often, but my experiences at boarding school, that made me afraid of everyone, for decades.
I am telling my story in this way because it is very hard for me to do, but, it’s important. Only getting to openly communicate at forty two, means that I have a lot of trauma to sort through. So much so, that I may never stop waking up to a PTSD episode, and a traumatic memory coming back.
They have stalked me for more than thirty years. To make a statement to the police, would be to stir the hornets nest, to relive all these experiences over again. I get enough traumatic memories coming back, without adding to it. However, I have said to my contact in government if they want to investigate, that I will give a statement, but I can’t be involved in the actual investigation.
I have found moments of peace, but only recently. I needed them, I still do, and I can’t lose them by reliving my past in my head every day. Waking up covered in sweat and so terrified that my own wife has to try and reassure me from the doorway. Because, I can recoil if she gets any closer. It’s not her. In fact, anyone else, wouldn’t be able to be that close.
This is the reason for the isolation in my past. How can you get close to people if your mind is reinforcing that you shouldn’t. That trusting people is just too risky.
I honestly never felt protected at school. I can’t even tell if I ever had a happy moment there, or if the memories of fear are all I have. I suspect the latter, as all my current memories are of a place where I learned, very clearly, what brutality means.
These are the interactions that gave a vulnerable child c-PTSD.
If my life was a boxing match, I was knocked out before I threw the first punch. The judgment came down and I was counted out. My efforts dismissed ... it almost destroyed me. But I never stayed down, and my past doesn’t define me any more.
All our best and love
Ross Fraser and Jeni Dern
Words – Ross A Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva
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