I try to manage my mind by not processing too much at any given time. To try and work through thoughts as they come so that I can use them as fuel. Not sitting in the dark as the house burns, it felt like my head was like that for too long.
I had a really bad meltdown yesterday because my fears overcame me completely. Fears of months of escalating pain, fears of the future and fears of limited choices.
I mentally locked myself away to the point I wasn’t making future plans. In fact I never thought I’d survive childhood so I didn’t learn how to take care of myself financially or otherwise. Apart from wanting my wife to be in my life, I wasn’t consciously deciding but reacting. That’s literally the only decision I know I made.
I was given back conscious control last year and used it to build mylifeautistic. However I am basically starting from scratch at 43. With a condition I have had to fight for 15 years already. As well as living in a place which means 6/7 months can be a mix of absolutely unbearable pain and blackouts.
For the first time I am trying to plan for the future. Find a way to get somewhere that gives us more choices. For me that’s as simple as going for a walk with my wife and daughter to the beach or a park. Getting to take my family for a meal. They seem so simple but so far away too. Like watching a rope from a hot air balloon drag along the ground, but just too fast to catch.
I feel like the bars that kept me caged have gone, but maybe there too long. The toughest thing when the fears overwhelm. When my mind feels like it’s being stalked... my instincts use reinforcement of fear, but it’s “they are trying to kill you”. An echo going back to the camping trip and 13, but that thought in my head when looking at my wife and daughter, I can’t bear that. I must admit sometimes when hitting my head in a meltdown I wish I would just knock myself out so it would end. So that I can start recovering and know that I can get back to the loving arms of my family again. Not watching them from a distance because I can’t be touched.
All my best and love
Ross
Words – Ross A Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva
