Jeni said in her last post that mylifeautistic changed her life, but it did that for me too. A completely unintended consequence and one that’s always appreciated.
I had the ability to talk but not to communicate, it created so much anxiety and frustration over the years. I was asked a while ago if I’d have preferred to be mute completely, and I honestly can’t answer that. It would have stopped a lot of misunderstandings and unnecessary emotional pain, that’s true. However on the other hand, I wouldn’t have my friends, my wife or daughter in my life.
I don’t focus on the pain, I try to explain it so that others don’t have to go through the same, but my focus is in the here and now. Even when I get PTSD episodes related to misunderstandings, I accept them as the echoes they are. Because I know the outcome, that I did learn to communicate. That everything you go through becomes a part of you, good and bad. That every word that cut, created and sculpted who I became.
I was in fight or flight, in survival mode for 38 years ... But the right people found me and supported me. I would still feel completely lost if it wasn’t for them. It does mean I have little awareness of the world before I unmasked. I know I’ll never catch up, it’s just too much information to learn. That said, I am happy with where my journey took me, and is taking me. Tomorrows aren’t all filled with fear any more, but the potential for positive possibilities, even when I’m bedbound. Because it may have taken 42 years but I know how to be me now, and that’s priceless to me.
All our best and love
Ross Fraser and Jeni Dern
Words – Ross A Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva
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