Yesterday was really intense. Full on doesn't even begin to describe it.
About half an hour before I got on the train I found out that both my parents have Covid and my mum was in hospital.
So I was agitated before I had even left. We had arranged for me to stay with relatives but it meant I wasn't settled on the train.
The journey was about 4 hours in total. The first train was awful, so loud and packed full of people. I genuinely thought I was going to have a panic attack before I even got to Aberdeen. Getting off the train was hell, I tried to position myself so I was the first off the train. I just needed to get out of there. Unfortunately because of limited mobility I was surrounded in no time. This usually forces me to walk next to the track so at least I have space on one side of me, but it doesn't feel safe or comfortable, it was really just the only option.
I managed to get through to the main part of the station and had to go straight to the most insolated area I could see. Fully visible I clung to the wall, eyes closed, just trying to breathe, to reduce the pressure.
The second train was a bit easier, I chose the carriage with the fewest people. Thankfully that didn't really change and was reasonably quiet. I have to admit I really needed that after the first train.
I reached Inverness about 5pm. This photo was taken about an hour later. I can see, but barely, and that was me trying to force my eyes open to be able to take the photo.
I crashed hard, physically shaking and felt completely drained. I slept for about two hours and felt the impact of traveling in every sense.
A necessary journey because I have to be aware of my environment. There is something really deflating about having your life essentially dictated to knowing that if your own home doesn't feel like your safe place, you just can't be there. I understand that's not unique to autism, but being forced from your home because of too much sensory information, that's the bit I struggle with.
All my best and love
Words – Ross A Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva