This is going to be the hardest thing to talk about. I have asked my mum if it’s okay because I didn’t want to discuss it without her knowing. I talked about misreading media, that can lead to some really bad misunderstandings. However misreading a situation can have much deeper impact and so much pain.
When I used to run off it was because little things had made me uncomfortable. This particular memory, I was about 4. It started with my dad trying to grab my hand. I didn’t have an issue holding his hand but unexpected physical contact can put me in fight or flight.
I ran off into a park at night, my mum ran after me but got hurt. She didn’t see a bollard and ran straight into it. The next thing I can recall is being in a room (where we were staying) with my dad and brother. I was already highly stressed because I thought I had hurt my mum, that it was my fault she was in hospital. I asked my dad if she was okay and his response was, “She’s going to lose the baby and she might die”. What he didn’t tell me was my mum had an eptopic pregnancy. That getting surgery at that time had saved her life.
I only had his words to go on, I thought for about 15 years that I had been responsible for my mum not having another child and that I had basically killed my brother or sister. I felt like a really horrible person because of it.
When I struggle and my mood drops, that’s how I feel again. Not the thought but the feeling that followed me for so long afterwards. Years later my mum explained to me what had happened, she hadn’t realised what I had been thinking and hadn’t realised she needed to explain fully to the 4 year old me. Even though things hadn’t happened like I thought, it took too long to find that out. The damage had been done a million times over.
I am glad I know the truth now but I wish I had that information at the time. I know I became really distant after that, I just couldn’t face my family.
I am pretty sure it was this particular event that caused me to mask so young. I had it narrowed down to masking between the ages of 4 to 6, if this was the reason, I had masked from aged 4, till 42.
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All the best
Ross
www.mylifeautistic.com
Words – Ross A Fraser
From left to right - Simon, me, mum (Susan)
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This moment in my life, plus being told I was rude or offensive so many times by different people contributed to why I felt I had to hide for so long. I felt like all I ever did was bring people pain or hurt them, and I couldn’t bare that, I felt like such a horrible person, every time.