Homeward Bound – part 1 of 2

Inverness was… well I’m not sure, uncomfortable but a necessity. I left Inverness because it just became uncomfortable to be in. When I moved, I didn’t know where I was going or what would happen but to be honest it was the best decision I made. I was so rarely seen for me in Inverness I didn’t know how I could even be me there, or if that would even be possible. I left about 15 or 16 years ago and have only been back a few times. However, this was the problem, usually when I am in Inverness I am at my parents’ home which is outside of the city itself. This time I was pretty much staying in the centre of the city which did have some hellish effects for the first 24 hours. I have to admit the fact I was dealing with burnout too won’t have helped in the slightest. I had barely slept, which made waking to a panic attack at 6 a very unpleasant experience. I got myself out of bed and huddled up in the corner of the room. Memories of Inverness, experiences and people drifted in and out of my mind. Echoes of a past not consciously memorised. A game of memory whack’a’mole which left me physically shaking and just wanting to leave. I felt comfortable at my auntie and uncle’s house but not being somewhere where my memories could find me. I will talk about Doc another day, he was really important to me and I so wish he could have seen all this. I never told him, but I think he knew just how vulnerable I could be at times. I did remember three people but that I wasn’t able to talk to. I really wish I remembered more to be honest but reflection of my mental state for years I suspect. What dawned on me on Saturday morning was that my scripting, something I thought I often did was my sole way of exchanging information. I have talked about small portions of my life but only if I had the media to reference it. So, what I thought was just a way to hide, sitting in front of the glow of a TV for long periods, was so much more. That was my conversation reference material. To be continued… All my best and love Ross www.mylifeautistic.com Words – Ross A Fraser Graphic Design App - canva #NewLifeAutistic

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