Crashed

“If an autistic person is having a meltdown in public, please be respectful. Don’t stare, make comments and don’t get too close or try to touch them.

A meltdown is like being the passenger in a car crash, you’re not in control. You have to get through it just like everyone else, but you hope so deeply that no one gets hurt. After the crash fear and guilt overwhelm you because it feels like you caused it... even if you didn’t.”

I posted this on the 9th of September last year. This was another of my first posts about an autistic experience. The thing that I struggle with the most about meltdowns is I fight against them so strongly. I use all my will to try and keep from feeling overloaded or overwhelmed especially the closer that gets.

Having a meltdown isn’t just physically and mentally draining but it causes all your fears to be your company. Your mind is saying that you shouldn’t do that again, that was too much. It’s reinforced by fear, but if your actions weren’t the cause, it’s pain and fear for no reason. Something you don’t have any control over.

I react badly to negative emotions and aggression. I spent too long feeling attacked throughout my life, that’s what it comes down to. I also struggle seeing others in pain, because it can overwhelm me. The floodgates open and emotions cascade feeling decades of my own mental pain hit me.

My reactions, what causes them weren’t written by my hand. Feeling the effects of meltdowns throughout my life, fear seems always by my side. That’s on me to always have to deal with, to always be in control, to avoid, to adjust.

Because of that meltdowns are absolutely terrifying.

All my best and love

Ross

www.mylifeautistic.com

Words – Ross A Fraser

Graphic Design App – Canva

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