I decided on Saturday that my wife needed a break. Normally she will take my daughter in to Aberdeen on a Friday or Saturday, a couple of times a month. Because the winter was really tough for me, she has had to do more this past year. Put simply, I had no choice but to rest, to try and cope with the pain and burnout. I’m slowly coming out of it, after seven months of barely being able to see most of the time; seven months of PTSD episodes, panic attacks and blackouts. It has been a time where I’ve barely been able to leave the house, even just to go to the shop around the corner, so my wife has done the lion’s share.
I also thought it would get me out of the house and be a nice change for my daughter to take the trip to Aberdeen. This isn’t an experience she gets often, a trip to the city with dad; unfortunately for good reason. So I left my wife resting, took some games I’d finished with to trade in for cash, and we headed in with money to spend.
The train in wasn’t actually that bad, it was loud and uncomfortable but a least there was room and some free seats. We sat at a table, literally the last free one, while I tried not to think about what comes next. Cities can be very overwhelming and I’m now aware of sensory processing issues, which makes it more overwhelming, because I am aware of what my mind reacts to, and this results in a sort of anxious dread.
We pulled into the station, and straight away things started getting intense. A river of people that seems to surround us, regardless of the direction I decided on Saturday that my wife needed a break. Normally she will take my daughter in to Aberdeen on a Friday or Saturday a couple of times a month. Because the winter was really tough for me she had to do more. Put simply, I had no choice but to rest to try and cope with the pain and burnout. I’m slowly coming out of it after 7 months of barley being able to see most of the time. 7 months of PTSD episodes, panic attacks and blackouts. A time where I’ve barely been able to leave the house, even just to go to the shop around the corner.
I thought it would get me out the house and be a nice change for my daughter. This isn’t an experience she gets often, a trip to the city with dad – unfortunately for good reason. So I left my wife resting, took some games I’d finished with to trade in for cash so we had money to spend and headed in.
The train in wasn’t actually that bad; it was loud and uncomfortable but a least there was room, some free seats. We sat at a table, literally the last free one, while I tried not to think about what would come next. Cities can be very overwhelming and I’m now aware of sensory processing issues- this makes it even more overwhelming, because I am aware of what my mind reacts to, so I’m preparing for it.
We pulled into the station and straight away things started getting intense. A river of people that seems to surround you regardless of the direction you pick, enveloped us. We made our way through the station to get outside. A genuine relief came over me when I got to that point ... but there was still so much to deal with, and I knew it.
We made our way to the game shop, traded the games and left with some notes in my wallet. A rare experience for my wallet! We had been in town about half an hour and my hands and arms were already reacting; and there were more people around me than I would ever be comfortable with. This was for my wife and daughter though; that’s how I saw it, and I will push my limits on occasion for them. I wanted to get my wife a present and take my daughter shopping, a simple goal, but one with many challenges.
All our best and love
Ross Fraser and Jeni Curtis
Mylifeautistic
Words – Ross Fraser
Graphic Design App – Canva
